I was reminded of this post, which has sat in a word doc on my desktop for two months, while reading “Can I Pick your Brain,” by Kevin Dugan. Thanks, Kevin, for inspiring me to finally get it posted.
I’m not sure where to start with this topic since I feel like it might offend many people who know me who have asked the very thing. For close personal friends I can make an exception but there has to be a line drawn somewhere.
Several years ago I had upgraded myself to first class on a flight from LA to NYC, where I was living at the time. As the plane was boarding I was flipping through the current issue of Wired. Highlighted in the magazine was a book called “Ambitchous” (has since been changed.) It was, ultimately, about how the female psyche can hold one back in business. How we can under-value and under-appreciate what we contribute, and our desire to not push too hard or ask for too much because we don’t want to be “the Bitch.” The author interviewed hundreds of women and is a career psychologist of sorts as well as having a strong background in business.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was my travel partner handing me a note. I opened it and it said: “Turn to page 76. That’s my book.”
It was the author, Debra Condren (@debracondren) of Ambitchous, seated directly across the aisle from me. The author of the book I just dog-eared a magazine page for to remind myself to buy.
I immediately got up and went to her and engaged in conversation which continued some during the flight and finally in the baggage terminal at JFK. She gave me a galley copy of the book, which I found a huge honor. I devoured it. There were so many eye-opening examples that simulated behaviors and ways of thinking that I’d found myself trapped in. But one chapter hit me the most.
I like to call it Pay Me. I would cite it but I loaned the book out ages ago to other powerful females I know but my takeaway was this: Time is valuable and creative thought is even more so. Don’t undervalue either. As women (and compassionate people everywhere) we like to help and can get trapped in giving our time and ideas away for free because we’re afraid to ask for compensation. Or, just don’t realize it’s within our right to do so.
When you are a creative individual who is a “popcorn machine,” as my mom says, that spits out ideas on a continual basis, doling out advice is no big thing. It’s easy to have coffee with someone whose company I enjoy, most who will ultimately take my ideas and somehow help it benefit their business. Whatevs.
I used to do this a lot more than I do now because here’s the thing I finally came to terms with that helped me start standing my ground: My popcorn machine has value.
Creative ideas and connections are the real currency in this digital economy. We are bomarded with fragmented channels to communicate with, audiences to communicate to and many masters to serve on the business side. Having someone who can view this entire eco-system, understand your market and then advise you on what is wisest for your company to build brand and business is an invaluable resource. But those advisors are typically under appreciated and under monetized.
I am asked on a weekly basis to meet with people for coffee, or lunch or cocktails. Requests range from if I know someone for a position to resources for an interest to the need for creative advice and consult to helping to promote an event. There are a lot of needs in LA (and beyond) and it shows this industry is raring to go and bursting with ambition. But, I can’t help everyone.
I do have my own work schedule and my “life balance” that I attempt and it leaves me little free time to “donate” to others. I appreciate that I am seen as a resource for the community but some of the requests have shown me a repeated trend – people need ideas. A lot of them.
Strategic and creative counsel is one of the most under-monetized aspects of being in the communications and marketing business. Would you ask a lawyer to coffee to “pick his brain?” Do you think a profession as ruthless as they are known, and whose services are enlisted regularly and paid well for, would dole out a hour advice to you for $3.50? Unless he’s your dear friend, what’s in it for him?
I see this as an increasing problem in LA, and I’m sure in every city across the country. It’s especially rampant with start-ups. Let’s call it the “Pick Your Brain (PYB) syndrome.”
You meet a nice smart person at an event and you have coffee and then they start to PYB. And take notes, because what you say makes sense. You are pumping out advice and ideas. And it ain’t no thing to you because you’re a popcorn machine, right? Pop, pop, pop. And they soak it up and then, off they go, and you’re left holding an empty drink.
I got into a recent twitter back and forth with someone about the value of releasing ideas into the world. Someone cited @jason to me, that you can give ideas but it doesn’t matter if they can’t execute (I’m paraphrasing,) but I wholly disagree. When you present an idea to someone and they recognize it as good, they will take it with them and they will eventually make money off of that idea. But you will not.
So this is what I started doing, especially for people that I do not know well: I tell them I am happy to meet, I am flattered they asked and that because my time is valuable I don’t do these PYB sessions for free. Most the time I’ve said this, they’ve understood and honored it. The ones that got a little ruffled, are the ones who will suck you dry and likely leave you paying for your own coffee. And theirs.
Run. Fast.
How often are you asked to have your brain picked? Got any words of advice or examples to share?
This article also appeared on BlogHer.
{ 11 trackbacks }
{ 108 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post Jordan!
Being a “Computer Person” I get countless requests from friends, family, friends of family, ect. to “take a look at [their] computer.” Usually the requests are not too difficult, something like removing a virus, or installing a printer driver. I don’t mind doing it for my immediate family, but it starts to be a problem when I get calls from friends I haven’t spoken to in over a year, or even when friends ask me to help them with their friends computers (people I’ve never met!). I like being the go to guy sometimes, but we have to draw the line somewhere.
Great post. As I was reading your article, I thought of someone who I recently met at an industry event, we talked and gave them some golden nuggets that pertained to their startup company. I would get an email from them here and there asking for more questions and wanting to PMB … You are so right on. Now I haven’t heard from them because they have disappeared with my golden nuggets and I am left holding nothing but some lint in my hand.
My favorite quote from your article is “Strategic and creative counsel is one of the most under-monetized aspects of being in the communications and marketing business.”
PS- I enjoy your posts and wish you would post more.
Wow, what a great post, Nicole. You are always incredibly insightful and I love reading your words of wisdom.
I would say I am also incredibly guilty of this, but I have become more selective as I’ve matured and realized that my ideas are valuable and worth far more than just a listening ear. Recently, I met up with a friend who was starting a new company and needed advice on how to get in his ultimate tech blog. I coached him along the way with a few brief e-mails and one coffee date, and eventually he reached his goal and got the feature article he was hoping for. He was ecstatic with my role in moving him forward, and not only did he take me to lunch, but he also bought me a small gift to show his appreciation. I probably gave more time than I should have, but for a good friend, I’d go far beyond even that. He showed that he was the type of friend that is worthy of such an investment by repaying me with a few small but heartfelt gestures (it’s trite, but true: it’s the thought that counts).
Alternate example? I met someone at a tech event and told him he should submit a byline for a publication that would be a good fit for his company and area of expertise. He later e-mailed me with a list of questions about how to position himself and craft the byline “pitch.” Classic PMB behavior. I spent about 2 minutes to reply with a few high-level thoughts and left it at that. If you’re not a cherished friend or an employer who pays me for my ideas, you get the 2-minute response from me. I find that to be a good rule of thumb for such situations.
I’m excited to add Ambitcious to my reading list.
Posting for Freddy Nager with Atomic Tango:
Amen!
Since I run an agency, the expression “I want to pick your brain” now makes my skin crawl. I picture zombie vultures taking turns at my frontal lobe.
I’m also fully with you in opposing the concept that “you can give ideas but it doesn’t matter if they can’t execute.” The truth is, they DO execute your ideas — by themselves or by hiring their cousins or by contracting some firm in India. Sure, they ultimately botch the job, but who gets the blame? “Hey, consultant dude, your idea didn’t work…”
I believe it was Michael Eisner who once said, “Ideas are all that matter. You can hire people to do everything else.” Unfortunately, too many people think they only need to pay for the everything else.
Freddy “Won’t Work For Food” Nager
http://atomictango.com/blog
Cross-posting from Facebook:
The hardest part is that people like you (and me) look at the puzzle and immediately have ways to start assembling it … and yet we have to remember that if we don’t get paid to do so, then this profession we are being taxed for is only a hobby.
New post part:
We need to take some sort of reverse Hippocratic oath that restricts our ability to treat marketing patients!
There is someone in our family circle who desperately needs marketing help - at least, in my view of their business - and so I can’t help but gently mention “oh, here’s something I saw” to poke suggestions here and there at this person to try and prod them into pulling the right levers. And yet there’s another person in our circle who comes out and asks me all sorts of questions, and I’m hesitant to answer them without hearing the timeclock clicking away in my head.
I know a doctor would say, Call me and make an appointment on Monday. It takes some moxie for us to do the same!
“Strategic and creative counsel is one of the most under-monetized aspects of being in the communications and marketing business.”
Agencies give this away for free in the form of new business presentations to win the business. Until the industry stops permitting this to be the “cost of entry,” strategic counsel from experienced pros (other than crisis comms) will continue to be considered worth less (worthless?) than the social media optimized release the account executive writes.
As independent professionals and small agencies, we need to continue writing new rules of engagement.
http://www.rantonette.com
great post, nicole. i’ve been on both sides of this phenomenon, so i can definitely empathize with both; however, it’s usually just with very close friends who are also in the biz that i share ideas. i don’t have a problem with people making money, or improving their organization, or thinking differently, as a result of our “chats,” for the most part. i don’t see it as an end-game. plenty of pie for everyone, and that’s one of the beauties of social media: the ease of sharing ideas. but time is valuable, and ideas are currency, as you say.
i know i’ve passively suggested in the past getting together. i genuinely like people, and meeting fellow angelenos in the biz. i hope you don’t see it as an request to “pick your brain.”
i’m pretty happy with the one i’ve got, most of the time.
great post, again. please keep it up.
OMG - I just love this post so much…
Need I say more?
Signed,
Fellow Popcorn Machine
Popcorn machine. I like that.
Maybe it’s just the capitalist bastard in me, or the fact that I’ve spent 5 years in professional services, but I’d slap a consulting process and rates around it, have the first phase be called PYB, and have a mutual out after that first phase. Key part is to give them just enough to leave them hanging a little in the first meeting!
I have a simple 2-word solution — gorgeous dinners
“Will brainstorm for Kobe”
or… “i don’t drink coffee, but I do eat Kobe”
or… “you know i’ve noticed that I really give my best advice when I’m eating Kobe, and I wouldn’t want to give you anything less than my best”
Love this post. I’ve been thinking about it more lately as I’ve had more and more requests for my time and expertise from people outside my immediate circle of friends & family, to whom I would happily give free advice.
I’m curious to know, though, how do you quantify the cost of the PYB sessions? Do you charge a flat rate? An hourly fee?
When I’m around stupid people, I just pretend I don’t know anything and they assume I’m even more stupid then they are. Then they leave me alone and go ask Nicole for advice. VOILA!! problem solved!
Thanks for always keeping me on my toes, and keeping me thinking. My approach to these situations is “first one’s free.” http://donteattheshrimp.com/2010/02/27/everybody-gets-one-for-free/
Someone else sent me a tweet with the words: “This blog is for you”- because, I am also a sharer/ collaborator/ ideas person. Here’s the thing- my ideas have no value to me if not aired. My own company cant possibly act on a fraction of them, and if others can, I am in a way, self-actualised. And yes, self-actualisation if accompanied by $ would be wonderful!
But here’s the other thing….there are times that I have almost cancelled such coffee meetings, and yes, there are a few in a year where they are bloodsuckers, but more often than not, I have walked away from a coffee having gained something I didn’t have before and afterwards thought how glad I am that I honoured that meeting. So the trick is - how can you make that coffee work for you? The biggest network value comes from weak links- links that connect you into an entirely different realm. Some of these coffees lead you to new ideas. persoectives or connections just as you do for others- and that is why you do them.
This. Is. Great.
Pimpin it now.
Serena
Hi Nicole,
I saw this posting through a friend of mine who also does PR….and, it could not have been read by me at a better time. I was JUST having various conversations this past week alone on how much ‘free advice’ I give out to many in my network and how I’ve built a network that should no doubt be better monetized. I guess for me, after being in pr and marketing for over 10 years - is simply how to ask for it? When it comes to friends and family, of course you want to help them - and, I’m the type who likes to helps strangers off the street when I can. BUT, for the ‘friend of a friend’ 0r the twice removed cousin of a friend who needs help finding a job, needs advice on how to run their business or even needs contacts that I’ve spent years building, why just give those out?
I wanted so badly to write a piece on this, but I tell you - yours nailed it and I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who feels that popcorn (whether fully popped or not) is more valuable now than ever
Happy Marketing!
Nicole - Happy to have inspired you to finish the (much better) post. Thanks for adding to the conversation and also for reading.
Another amazing post, Nicole - as we once chatted about, money is the new money - and that’s what smart ideas should be compensated with. Like Marie and Josh, I don’t mind giving a little bit of my time to help someone - and completely understand that for my business, it is part of the new business process - but there are times when it goes too far. I was sitting at a recent coffee meeting watching the folks who invited me madly scribble notes (and listening to their comments on how great my ideas were) when I realized it… they were getting a ton of value for the little cup of coffee sitting in front of me. It was my fault, I let it happen. But, when a follow on note came in re meeting up again, I let them know that what they wanted was what I do for a living - and that they’d need to pay me to do it again.
Thanks Brad. I am very familiar with the “little requests” for those computer people. When it’s friends and family it’s one thing but, you’re right, sometimes the line has to be drawn. It’s OK to ask for something in return.
Loved the story Nicole! Great comments too from others weighing in. Wonder why none of your pickers weighed in to thank you. Seems only popcorn machines commented.
As a co-Orville I have given super high level opinions to others with a fillowup that I am “coin operated.” The more coins you have, the more insight you get. That tends to get a chuckle and set the stage for a working relationship.
It’s good to be thought of as an expert but my landlady still wants the rent check at the begining of the month and my wine habbit ain’t cheap!
Ugh. I need to figure out a new commenting format. I want to reply directly to people and not one-offs at the bottom. Any word press experts? I’d love to PYB. Har. No really. But I will pay you for your time to help me… Now, on to the responses…
@Amani: Thanks for the compliment on the blog. Sometimes we have to keep our sensors alert to determine which people we give some advice to and which ones we open the kimono for, so to speak. Ideas are worth money. We need to remember that.
@Freddy: The term PYB also makes my skin crawl. There is nothing pleasant sounding about having your brain picked. “I’d appreciate your counsel” is so much more friendly and less-intrusive sounding.
@Marie: Love the 2 minute rule. Great advice. And, it is the thought the counts. If you want my help, offer something. As I said on Josh Morgan’s blog, anyone that knows me knows I love champagne. I’m more than willing to do a trade. 1/2 hour of my time for some Veuve. Easy. Or Kobe as @steepdecline (Tyler) said. An equally brilliant response to requests. And one I might try. I do like Cut in BH.
@Ron: I love this- “The hardest part is that people like you (and me) look at the puzzle and immediately have ways to start assembling it.” It’s a skill to be able to do this. Execs, entrepreneurs, start-ups alike need to recognize its value.
@Keith: LOL. Never thought that. There is a huge difference to me of having coffee to get to know one another better (my time for that is also limited) and someone who literally says, “I want to PYB about xyz.” I’m all about getting to know people but I’m not about people pumping me for ideas and then walking away.
@Mary: Thank you!
@Michelle: I do a flat hourly charge since it’s only a hour that’s needed. And it depends on what they want to talk about. The thing I realized about myself is, because I’m a helper by nature, is that simple meetings turn into work for me with action items afterwards. I am prone to saying, “You know what you could do…” or “You know who you should meet…” and suddenly I realized I’ve inadvertently volunteered myself for something thereby adding more to-do’s to an already long list, both personally and professionally. It’s a boundaries thing I am constantly working on.
@Jordan and @Josh: If you’re in the market to have ongoing clients to counsel then giving the first one free as a taste-test makes sense for sure. For me, right now, it’s really just more favors for people. I’m not looking to build an agency or develop a client roster. This makes my coffee dates even more selective.
@Francisco: I’m gonna try that. And point them back your way.
@Annalie: Totally agree. And those kinds of coffee meetings where you leave inspired and are usually the “get to know you” ones with people who are doing interesting things vs. sitting down and having someone interview you. Inspiration is everywhere. You raise an excellent question: How can you make it work for you? Something we all should ask.
@Serena: Thank you!
@Nicole: Thank you too! By nature I am not an “ask for favors” kind of person. However, lately I have reflected back on the people I’ve helped (because I wanted to, not because I HAD to) and realized that I can ask for things in return and they will be happy to help. So invest in equal back-scratchers if you’re going to give time away.
@Kevin: Thank YOU! If it weren’t for your post, Lord knows how long it would have taken me to get it posted.
@Julie: The key is the follow-on meeting, right? As @Josh said, the first one is free. It’s key to know your limits though of what you are willing to do, i.e. give top line advice, not promise intros, outlining their marketing strategy (hey, it happens and they do ask.) Boundaries seem to be crucial here: Know where yours are and be strong in sticking by them.
LOL. Dave, you and me both brother. You like the wine I like the champers. I love the coin operated. I really think a large percentage of the time, people will just push to see how much they can get before you push back. Kind of like children, no? But being upfront from the beginning and showing you believe in your value sends the strongest message of all to someone who wants your advice.
Nicole,
You could not have summed up my feelings about this any better! I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time too, the number of times I’ve been asked to take phone calls, dinner, coffee dates, etc. Yet, people don’t really put value in the picking of someone’s brain or even asking of a favor.
But, it’s not just “Picking Your Brain” that is a problem, it is also favors. People need to understand that there is value in what we do as creative, marketing, and technology professionals. I’m okay with someone asking for a favor or two or even picking my brain for an hour, as long as there is value. For example, I’ve done this with a few people and they offered to write testimonials, where as others, didn’t offer the same, let alone, to this day continue to ask for favors constantly.
Again, I’m the type of person that doesn’t mind doing favors and such, I’m ALWAYS around to help, just don’t abuse it.
Well done Nicole on getting the conversation started, it’s one that is definitely necessary!
Thanks Tony! As i just replied in a tweet, a very good point is being brought in to the light. It’s not just about the PYB’ing and giving of counsel - it’s the asking for favors. Advice is one thing, my rolodex is another.
Thanks so much for having the courage to say out loud what I have said privately for years. We have to value our ideas, beacsue if we don’t no one else will. And I love the popcorn analogy.
It’s hard being the go-to person in any group. As another of your responses said, and I paraphrase, people like us have ideas and we like to share–and frankly for me, I hate seeing things done poorly.
Women have tradtionally had a hard time discussing money, and I had a very difficult time the first time I said to someone: “Now, you are getting very close to the paid consultant time with those kind of questions–got your checkbook with you?” That usually stops them from persuing the line of questioning OR I make some money!
Ummmm yeah… I have gotten and continue to get consistently more stingy with my time and even have gotten sparse at tech events. I am putting more time back into me, my family, my private life. The way I see it is this: when I’m on my deathbed, will I fondly remember the action I’m about to undertake? Does it do anything to drive my life forward? If the answer is “no”, then “meh”. Life is short, and I hold myself accountable for each day. I’d rather spend the time volunteering than frittering my life away on people who only appreciate you when you have something to give.
Another pet-peeve - sorta related, sorta isn’t: people in my “network” come out of the woodwork every time I post a job on LinkedIn / FB/ Twitter, or email my network about a job. “Oh hi Maria! How have you been? We haven’t talked in forever (well until now, that is, you had nothing to give me prior to now)! Let’s get together! I’d love to know more about the job”. Ummmmm no! Water your friggin’ garden before you pluck the flowers. /rant
Re: commenting system: Disqus rocks my world, although I’m thinking of switching to Echo.
@Sharon: Isn’t it funny how shocked some people get when you stop them and say, “This is what I get paid for.” In our social media-driven culture I’ve noticed an enormous sense of entitlement to help them because we’re “friends on Twitter.”
@Maria: Love the water the garden before you pluck the flowers example. We are becoming a very transparent society and when someone approaches me I haven’t talked to for awhile and starts with the niceties my first instinct is to say: Cut the bullshit. What do you want? I can see your request for help coming from a mile away. Again, people I know, it’s one thing. People who I rarely talk to who pop up, or who think we’re friends because of Twitter and FB, lose points. That said, I am a PR person, and a lot comes down to the approach.
Oh Nicole - how perfectly you have articulated what’s been swirling around my brain for the past year! I am a pink-slip entrepreneur and now run my own small business. I bill for my professional services instead of collecting a paycheck. Emphasis on professional and I’m tired of feeling like I need to defend that.
I am often asked (by folks I don’t know well and who are not clients) - “How exactly do you do that?” Inside I’m seething at the gall of the asker. In my head, my response is - “Really!? Shame on you for even asking. Would you ask your accountant, lawyer or dentist the same question?” In real life, I respond with an offer to talk, so I can prepare a proposal. More often than not, that’s the end of that convo.
Certainly, those close to me get the Mishpucha (family) discount. As a new biz, I will do a small project at no charge to establish credibility. However, I have also learned to say no to those who want a free shortcut to learning the stuff I’ve spent hours, sometimes months developing. Do it; call me a bitch - I can take it. In this case, being a bitch will keep me out of the poor house!
Whew, this is a hot button for me. Can you tell? Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent! =D
Sonia: Thanks for reading and for sharing! This is definitely a hot button for a lot of people. I’ve already got a few follow-up post ideas, including one that aggregates the great tips you all are providing in the responses. As for those people who think they can learn what we do in a few hours and then do it themselves…it’s rather insulting. The 10,000 hour rule applies to every profession.
Hey Travel Bud, Nicole! It’s me, Debra. My friend John T. Unger just turned me on to your post. Thanks for reminding me of that great flight and connection we made. And for telling people about my book (paperback retitled Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word, by the way).
I write about us women often feeling that we have to give it away, vs., as you say, Nicole, saying: PAY ME. Or we significantly undercharge compared to our male counterparts.
Being responsible first and foremost to your ambitious goals sometimes means that you have to be more irresponsible to needs of others. If you don’t do this, you make yourself vulnerable to what I call Straggler/Stalkers, a.k.a. PYB’rs.
Straggler/Stalkers are people who hang around just waiting to hit you up for something they want from you (for free), something that will make you immediately regret having said yes. These may not be bad people, but they are pressuring you to tend to their needs or goals at the expense of your own—and that’s not good for you.
True stories (from my book):
Renee, a V.P. of an executive search firm in New York described to me how strangers at parties, as soon as they find out the type of work Renee does, often say, “Oh! Let me just run out to my car and grab my resume so that you can take a look and tell me what you think.” Or someone at her daughter’s back-to-school night or at her son’s weekend soccer match will ask to pick her brain about a particular corporate culture or fish for insider contacts. Before Renee learned how to quickly set limits with people who hit her up for professional advice when she was off the clock, she paid the price. She would end up agreeing to do work that she didn’t want to do, for free, during what was supposed to be her time. As a result, Renee suffered: “I would drag myself back into work on Monday mornings feeling absolutely drained.”
A principal of an East Coast private equity firm, Christina, told me that she once refused to pay for a teeth cleaning after the dental hygienist asked her what she did, and then spent the entire appointment talking about her business idea, what she’d run up against so far trying to get a small business loan, an interested partner, and on and on. She obsessed about the virtues of becoming a not-for-profit versus a for-profit venture, whether she needed a brick-and-mortar storefront or should save the overhead and have only an online Internet presence. She talked loudly and rapid-fire for the entire, interminable 40-minute appointment, holding Christina hostage. She wondered what Christina thought since she saw so many business plans. At the end of the appointment, the hygienist said, “I’ll get your contact info from the front desk and call you to see if we can have coffee or drinks —- I’d love to pick your brain when you’re not having your teeth worked on and are able to really chat!” Christina said, “I was so angry. I said to her, ‘Hasn’t anyone ever talked to you about boundaries? I’m sure you deal with many people who are much more high-profile than I am. You should learn about not crossing professional lines.’ Then I told the woman at the front desk, ‘I am not paying for that service. That was outrageous.’”
Liz, an executive producer for a high-profile television program described to me how she was cornered at a small baby shower 10 minutes after arriving by a woman who wanted to pitch a script idea. Liz told the woman that she only worked through agents and went back to focusing on the mother-to-be. Liz saw the woman leave the gathering shortly after this exchange and afterwards told the host —- a mutual friend —- what had happened. The host reacted by suggesting that Liz’s behavior had been, “well, sort of rude…” and that “you could have told her to talk to me, or something.” When I asked Liz how she felt about this, she said, “I felt I’d done the right thing — it was a huge imposition to have this woman hit me up at a baby shower, the second I walked in the door.”
“For some people, the only taste of success they’ll ever have is the bite they take out of you.” –My colleagues Janet Scarborough recalling a saying she’d heard.
So what do we do? We adopt the “I Don’t Do Lunch of Coffee Policy” to Stop Step-Skippers. Here’s a great example.
New York Times bestselling author Nicole Shapiro was the featured speaker at a standing-room only meeting of the Women’s Business Alliance. When her talk was over, I witnessed her walk the talk about standing your ground and refusing to let people bleed you dry.
Many women crowded around Nicole after her presentation, asking intelligent questions, buying her books, complimenting her on her inspiring words, taking a business card in order to set up an appointment later, networking, or enjoying the post-seminar adrenaline buzz.
One person hung around until the crowd had thinned and then said to Nicole, “I’d love to have lunch with you and pick your brain.” Without missing a beat, Nicole replied, “I don’t do lunch, except with my family or friends. We have very little time together, so I save down time for them.” The subtext of her message was, “My time is valuable — I don’t give it away, and certainly not for the price of lunch.” Had the workshop attendee asked to set up a paid consulting appointment with Nicole, her response would have been very different.
That exchange always stuck with me as an example of pure limit setting at its best.
I know another woman, an architect in a large San Francisco firm, who makes it her personal policy not to do drinks after work—because “inevitably it bleeds into dinner time, I’m dying of hunger and exhausted by the time I get home.”
So often, women have trouble simply saying no, and that can be a real problem because there are always encounters with people who are willing to take advantage of your weakness. People who want to take you out and pick your brain are what I call Step Skippers—they want to bypass the steps hard-working professionals take to achieve their ambitious goals. They want a free pass. These are the ones who corner you at a party, or hang around until everyone else has left your speaking event to ask for free advice, or they somehow find themselves face-to-face with you, find out what you do, and immediately hit you up, talking non-stop about what they do and how you can help them for free, of course.
It’s your obligation to yourself to say no to these people, run from them, hide, get them out of your face, and stop letting them make you responsible for their needs — for free. OR bill them!
Follow Sharon’s great piece of advice from comment above:
“Women have traditonally had a hard time discussing money, and I had a very difficult time the first time I said to someone: “Now, you are getting very close to the paid consultant time with those kind of questions – got your checkbook with you?” That usually stops them from persuing the line of questioning OR I make some money!” Go woman, Go!
On the rate question: I offer clients an hourly rate, but recommend a projected-based fee so that they know up front how much my advice is going to cost them — and they feel free to call or email me whenever they need advice without worrying that the meter is running.
On last piece of advice: I tell clients that it’s my policy to charge up front, before we start working. I offer them the option of paying with credit card, PayPal, or check. So even if we’re doing a phone coaching session, we get the money piece out of the way up front, and then get down to business. And I do give my clients a great R.O.I. (which is why I want to get paid!).
I’ll stay tuned to your posts, Nicole. Great hearing from you again!
Sincerely,
Debra Condren
http://www.AmbitionIsNotADirtyWord.com
——-
NJ Reply: Debra, thank you so much for your reply. I need to get the copy of my book back! So many excellent lessons for everyone to learn. Especially since this book goes far beyond the “Pay Me” concept. Glad to be back in touch and look forward to hearing what’s next for you.
Very nice post. I typically ask for a stock option agreement after determining whether or not they have cash to spend on advice. It’s worked out really well and I do the same in return when asking to pick brains.
NJ reply: Great advice. It’s whatever works for you. For some maybe it’s a trade for equity, for others fancy dinners or trading introductions. Either way, it’s good to have an idea of what you can get out of it while helping.
thank you for your post–great commentary, advise and insight. you’re absolutely right when the goal is perpetual upward movement. i don’t challenge that goal or your brilliant support, but personally, i’m a fan of “pay it forward” — i truly believe helping and sharing my “popcorn” is a a gift that eventually makes it way back to me, somehow, someway. Unless the “brain-picker” intends to take advantage of my generosity–like Debra Condren’s dental hygienist–i find great benefits from revving up the popcorn machine. it’s great mind exercise. when they come back for more, frequently, then they go on the clock…
NJ Reply: Thanks Anne. You make excellent points and I agree. I also support the “Pay if Forward” school of thought and dole out my fair share of popcorn every week. It’s always exciting to contribute to someone and/or a company’s, success.
For me, it largely comes down to my available time and my interest in the topic at hand. If it’s a personal passion, I’ll be more likely to take the meeting just so I can fire up the popcorn machine and get inspired. I greatly appreciate the altruistic nature of so many fellow marketers but it’s also how so many of us end up feeling slightly used at times. That’s one thing to watch out for and to recognize those hygienists and stop them before they monopolize your time.
Also, a rule I always follow: you never know who people know. Which is why sometimes it’s great to help just because you can if the situation feels right to you. I’ve had many people pointed my way because of this, who I then refer to other people I know or have had those passion conversations with. It’s finding the balance.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to reply! Happy popping!!
Nicole!
but real $
Very well said! I am inundated with “Hey, I just want to pick your brian” - especially now with eCommerce becoming front and center. Who the H-ll came up with that phrase anyway? Over the years I have learned to do a few things to manage this:
- Understand those who really should be paying for a service
- There are those who you want to extend a hand to and I often send them an email afterwards that includes a few links and a “if you’d like and found value in our meeting, feel free to make a donation to one of these foundations in my name” (ones that are specific and i like to give to like University of Washington Crew Team). Sometime I let them know this before the meeting.. Good for them, good for charity, for for me and Karma.
Btw - I think I pinged you recently about one of my companies, not to pick your brain
Bob
http://www.SchwartzGroup.com
—–
NJ Reply: Hi Bob! you make excellent points.There are those who should be paying for a service and there are those that you want to extend a hand to, which many if not all, of us do on regular basis. Love the donation idea. I think it’s also where you’re at in your life. If you can afford to not charge for your time, all the better. Where we’d all like to be at, I’d think.
I’ll come out and say that I *hate* this post. Would I ask a lawyer out to lunch to get advice? of course I would. I’m an entrepreneur but have also sold investment banking and IT/design services and giving out ideas, advice, i.e. TIME is *great* for business. It helps you build amazing relationships and respect that turns into clients. I don’t this has anything to do with male versus female.
Perhaps I’m interpreting your post as too radical a swing in the direction of “want to talk to me? that’s $500/hr”. Yes you need to have balance and not let people take you for granted. I seem to be one of the few commentators reacting this way, so maybe a lot of folks are in imbalance, but it *is* about balance.
As an entrepreneur in the NYC scene, I do my best to help other entrepreneurs and give back. I’ve had great mentors and try to return the favor to the community. And I believe that effort will return value back to me, although that’s not why I do it. A recent “message” I ran across that much prefer to this one is “Rajeev’s Rule”: http://bradoneill.com/abiding-by-rajeevs-rule
——
NJ Reply: Hi Giff. Thank you so much for sharing a counter point. The beauty of all these comments is that it shows the topic hit a nerve. And promoting discussion is always a good thing. I will note something interesting - most of the people replying are largely PR and marketing and you are the first self-proclaimed entrepreneur (though I know @Bob is too) - often the category we get inundated with for “PYB” help. Definitely not saying you are like that, but it happens very often. And by PYB I mean, “hey can you shoot over your thoughts on what my marketing strategy should be?” or “can you send me that media list you put together?” kind of thing.
I agree with you about the importance of mentorship, building relationships and sharing ideas. Many in LA can attest to the meetings I have with peers who are CEO’s or VC’s who want insight and I give it to them willingly because I believe in this community and want the start-ups and entrepreneurs to succeed here. I’m not saying there needs to be a radical swing towards $500/hr rates at all but sometimes it just shouldn’t be free. In fact in re-reading your comments I think we’re really saying the same thing: giving back is good and we all do it; and there needs to be a balance between giving back and knowing when you’re being taken advantage of. Time is money and both need to be well spent. Thank you again for sharing your opinion and contributing to the conversation. Cheers!
I think there is a good balance between advice, demonstrations, and gaining knowledge. However, as brought up earlier, even Hippocrates saw value in education. If someone takes what you give them and expands upon it, in their own way, not merely relying on what you gave them, then your knowledge will be further propagated.
There is a fine line… Good writeup.
Hi Nicole,
What an interesting post. Would love to meet sometime for coffee so I could pick your brain about it. Starbucks OK? My treat. Let me know when you’re free.
——-
NJ reply: Ha! See now that’s funny. And that would be an offer I would take up because it would be a discussion about an industry problem and not how I can help introduce you to everyone I know or outline your 6 month PR plan over some crumb cake and a latte.
It’s strange that you never bring up the conflict between the “Pay Me” idea and the anecdote at the start of your post. It sounds like Debra Cohen spent several hours talking to you and even gave you a copy of her book - all for free! Based on your post and Cohen’s comment, it was a positive experience for both of you. Would either of you be better off if she had decided to save her conversation for paying customers?
—–
Matt,
What an excellent comment! Thank you so much because then it opens the floor to re-enforce a very specific point - The time I spent talking with Debra was NOT her giving me advice nor me asking for it. It was two women having a much larger discussion about the challenges that we can face, why I thought her book would resonate with many I knew and my expressing enthusiasm to help promote in my circles when it came out. Which is what I did when it first came out, and am doing again. To me, that is an enormous difference than someone saying to me: “Hey, I’m launching my company in a month and can’t afford any PR but can we go to lunch so I can PYB on how I can do it myself?”
That’s an excellent distinction, Nicole. Thanks for the reply.
This month’s Inc has pundits touting “limits” and “barriers” and “saying no” and now this! What an excellent Carpe Diem for getting the pay2send system up and going. Once that system is operational, the first contact e-mail problem is solved by auctioning off however many get-through-to-yous you want to allow every week. You want to pick my brain? BUY A NUMBER!
—–
NJ: I just read that issue last night. Especially relevant to the case of Ilana Eberson in Norm Brodsky’s column (page 31.) Will be interesting to watch pay2send in the market given the clamping down of people’s time and resources. Good luck!
Wow! I think I found my peeps! I haven’t even read through all the comments, but the original post and the comments I DID read are so dead on. This week alone I had the “PYB” request (literally the words “can I pick your brain”) from five different people. (Agree the PYB term does make my skin crawl. Agree also I LOVE to get the popcorn machine flowing and usually leave inspired, which is why I even do it.) Thanks for all the tips on drawing the lines. And if anyone wants to have coffee next week, well…as long as it’s just you guys, and a ginger cookie or a red velvet cupcake is also involved, I’m game.
I would have liked to read your article in its entirety, but your writing is so poor that I started to doubt your capacity to think well. So, it wasn’t worth my time to continue.
I recommend Strunk and White.
From Giang Biscan (@giangbiscan)
“…for some reason your WP-spamfree plugin kept rejecting my comment so I left it on the sidewiki of your post” - http://www.google.com/sidewiki/entry/GiangBiscan/id/LsKeLELtPiupGR5vp-oUGN1h49E?hl=en (NJ: Sorry about that!)
Here’s the comment:
Yes, I’m guilty of this…
Nicole, I love this post. So thoughtful and well articulated.
I agree with Giff’s point about balance. It may be stereotyping but I do believe that we women are more prone to giving too much and not pushing back enough. I think that’s why Nicole’s post hit the nerve because it reminds us (me) that our ideas and time are valuable and we are not to be taken advantage of. Certainly it’s not about stop giving.
I am now looking forward to reading Debra Condren’s book (it’s now called “Ambition is not a dirty word”).
This post got linked to here: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1156361 with a slew of comments.
One in particular caught my eye. I don’t mind that this post irritated him or that he thought it complete shit. What I do mind however is how clearly it is stated in the post and in the comments that it’s good to give time to hungry entrepreneurs/business leaders/ VC’s/ fellow friends, etc. If there’s an idea that speaks to you and you’re passionate about it and you want to hear more - take the meeting! Drink the coffee! I’ve done it a ton of times. Found past clients that way for myself and for fellow PR friends, even referred some of them to press who were writing relevant stories or program organizer for speaker consideration. As I wrote in an earlier post about not burning bridges, I fully get the whole you-don’t-know-who-someone-will-be-game, especially since I am a player in it as well.
As he wrote: “Keep your door open and always take the time to give some advice to those who ask for it.”
To me a couple points here - if you can afford to give free advice all day to all those who ask for it, awesome! Good for you. For the majority of people I know, we need to pay bills and that means sometimes we have to place a price on our time. Maybe it’s a coffee. Maybe it’s a steak dinner or tickets to a game. Or an intro to someone you are meeting with or a flat hourly fee. To each their own. But coming from a PR background that is largely de-valued as an industry by executives and especially VC’s as being for “publicity” and not treated with a lot of respect, we have to fight to show our value all the time. Re-enforcing the perception that what we do (and get paid for) can be got for “free” only makes it harder for those people who are trying to land that executive or company as a paying client.
….
Time is a limited resource, so it makes sense to at least have some type of filter. Beyond that, I found this article to irritate me and to be complete shit. You NEVER know who someone is or even will be. Jobs and Woz were a bunch of weird hippies and Zuck was a college kid who came up with a new idea every few weeks. Keep your door open and always take the time to give some advice to those who ask for it. Karma can be a bitch, but it can also be a blessing. You never know when you’ll need help.
On top of it, blog as much smart shit as you can. It will spread and odds are it will impact someone’s life. A month ago or so, someone emailed me with the subject: You don’t know me, but thank you. He read my article on email newsletters, and it was finally the push he needed to leave his job + start his first startup. He’s doing really well so far. I’m by no means popular at all. I can’t imagine the impact guys like PG have had, but it has to be tremendous. We need to keep spreading our ideas and encouraging people. Selflessness and the goal to see more entrepreneurs succeed is why our industry wins. We all started from nothing, never ever forget that.
Long live Rajeev’s rule.
There’s a certain amount of snobbery that goes on with software engineers where they feel they are the only people doing the real work i.e. producing software that users can use. Sometimes they forget that the requirements to produce that software may have been distilled from hundreds of users and the process of doing that was someone’s job. Ultimately, the implementation (”work”) of those requirements (”ideas”) are then left up to them.
I think the negative comments on hacker news is a disconnect between two types of industries. I would guess that in the pr world (or marketing/advertising for that matter), the idea IS the product. In IT, the only thing that matters (especially to developers) is the implementation. Said more simply, “Does it work or not?”. As far as developers are concerned talk is cheap.
What I think you were trying to say (and what I got out of your post, whether you intended it or not) is that there is a difference between giving away advice and giving away ideas. I still think ideas cost nothing. Advice, however, is a combination of education, insight and experience and is worthy of compensation.
——
NJ: Richard- This is a very thoughtful and well articulated response. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I agree 100% with all your points. I’ve spent my fair share of time the past 11 years (largely spent helping build start-ups) working with wary engineers and CTO’s who didn’t understand the value I brought to THEIR work. But, after time, most of them realized that what I was doing was actually promoting their efforts. As I used to say at my last job to my engineer pals: without you guys we’d have no engine. I want people to recognize your hard work (within the technology.) PR is usually kept restricted to just the promotion part but New PR, and good PR people worth their salt, spend time with their engineering team and understand what is being built and how it works. I find this an easy way to develop a relationship internally that is filled with respect and not contempt.
As to your last point, I love it. Ideas don’t cost anything, you’re right. It’s really more about the advice, the distilling of hearing what they need, combining it with you know and then offering quality counsel. That is definitely worth compensation. Thank you again.
Here’s how to tweak your WordPress install to allow threaded comments:
http://en.blog.wordpress.com/2009/02/19/comment-threading-is-here-plus-other-cool-comment-settings/
That one’s a freebie
—-
You’re awesome. And not just a freebie for me, for anyone other WP noob out there wondering the same thing. Much appreciated.
Nicole - great post. I have spent most of my life providing my “popcorn machine” for free. Until recently, most of my career has been as an employee of a company who provided me with income. Hence providing this advice on the side was not that big of a deal. Recently, I have started to do consulting as my main source of income and in doing so I have had to begin to monetize my “popcorn machine”. It does take a little getting used to telling people that they must pay for my value.
Thanks for being bold enough to put this out there.
—–
NJ: Thank you Jim. It’s a hot topic for sure and I’m seeing interesting (and very different) reactions from the “entrepreneur” side and then the services side. Which is really not surprising given that what we’re proposing here directly impacts the level of ideas, advice and time we give for free to them, if that’s what they’re asking for. How has the response been when you ask for compensation?
I can understand the folks who think that demanding payment for a bit of advice is rude. That’s how I felt back when I only rarely got asked for advice. Now that the requests are coming in more frequently, I understand the folks who simply can’t help everybody who asks and who offer to provide some types of advice as long as it is within the parameters of their consulting business (i.e, paid).
Here’s one idea I stumbled on which works pretty well in my technical fields; I don’t know how it would apply to other areas. I started a public discussion group focused around the topic of one of my areas of expertise: Running Ubuntu on Amazon EC2 (cloud computing).
The group is now over 1,300 members and gets hundreds of posts each month.
When individuals send me a private email with questions, problems, or requests for advice, I often explain that I am unable to provide free consulting and ask them to post it to the public group. When they do this, it benefits everybody:
1. The original seeker gets the opportunity for help by more experts than just me. Others on the group have the chance to provide their input, feedback, and solutions.
2. Answers are seen by more than just the original seeker. Others on the group have the chance to learn from the responses. Since responses are archived, the group content becomes a public repository for people searching on Google.
3. People who choose to answer (including me) not only help the original seeker and others who have similar issues, but they also are demonstrating their own expertise in a public way.
When companies decide they need more direct and personal assistance than can be provided in a public forum, they will often seek out the services of somebody who is a known expert. Having a body of work that proves your expertise in a domain and your ability to address issues and provide solutions seems to be a great marketing tactic for a technical consulting service as I get many unsolicited requests for paid assistance.
That said, I still occasionally provide free private assistance in some circumstances, especially if you’re paying for lunch.
I’m the Janet Scarborough mentioned in Debra Condren’s book and comment above (I changed my name to Janet Scarborough Civitelli). For a decade I ran a career consulting business and I received a constant stream of coffee/lunch invitations from people who wanted to “pick my brain.” I tried all sorts of strategies to deal with this, none perfect. When I started my new career advice and career information Web site, I created something similar to what Eric Hammond mentioned above, only in my non-technical field: an “Ask A Career Coach” section of my site. Visitors can send me questions and I choose selected ones to answer. I love this because (a) It helps me to create content for my site, and (b) I don’t have to answer the same questions over and over again. I wish I had started doing this a long time ago!
Merci! Grazie! Your post was forwarded to me by my number one supporter; my boyfriend, who constantly urges me and reminds me that I have value…the billable kind. I am a popper with the lid nearly coming off.
I will offer some free advice that was given to me three years ago. I just didn’t reflect on the wisdom until recently.
A visiting shop owner (as am I) with 8 years more tenure than I offered this: She said don’t give away all of your contacts; learn to subcontract and/or get paid. She pointed out that I may never see the return on advising the “best painter in town” referral or the “you should call this decorator” and the list goes on. She was right. I eventually learned to offer those services and negotiate a referral fee.
When I was considering a business years ago, I purchased lunches and thank you gifts for the entrepreneurs that I interviewed. Over my last five years, as I have become the wise entrepreneur, I have “given back” to the community with lots and lots of free advice. But of recent, I have realized that yes, others were taking the gold and running. In my business, that can mean copying product lines, resources and business growth opportunities. It’s retail, so I anticipate competition by staying ahead, but robbing a business of its assets is not “flattery” it is counterfeiting and can really hurt a young business who does not protect their vendor and customer relationships. I believe in good kharma, but I also believe in good cash….or as well advised, good Kobe.
I think your advice to treat your particular profession, like a billing attorney or physician is a good one. For the post that inquired about fee, as someone just getting started with the comfort level of that, I have begun with an hourly. It doesn’t have to high or low, but just a number that makes you feel your time was not wasted…and that can be the equivalent to a pair of shoes you have coveted or the associated hourly rate of someone in a corporate position.
Hey just my advice…this limited time offer….act now.
OK, I’ve been thinking about this post since I read @Giff’s comment the other day, and here’s my take:
I used to be offended when someone asked for a big chunk of help or advice, and then I realized that what my “how dare they?!” response REALLY meant was “why don’t I think to ask for such big favors?”
So now I do. And guess what? People are happy to oblige — as long as the “ask” is well-defined, they feel free to say no, and they know I’ll find a way to help them back in the future (which I do.)
nic - great post - and glad that we ALL in this community continue to take the realistic steps to SUPPORT each other and understand why this “PYB” syndrome needs to be put in check.
we all work hard, and we all value what we do. but simply put, you have to pay people for their time and counsel.
i like where we are “trending” with this - and it certainly should be helpful to young CEO’s who want to take us (comms folks) to coffee to “pick your brain” or the other classic ” i want to run something by you”
it’s flattering of course, but there is a reason why you want to pick our brain right? must be cuz we are good at what we do. so there’s a testament to that coffee brain picking moment. so pay up!
@vanessacamones
Nicole — what you write about here is the reason I started DailyWorth.com - now sending a daily email personal finance (from self worth to net worth) to more than 12,000 women daily. As women, we can’t be reminded enough that our time and efforts are valuable. It amazes me that even as we contribute more and more to a company’s bottom line, that we have to be trained and pushed to remember OURSELVES in the process and our own bottom lines. Our own net worth. I have a 1 year old daughter and I sure hope the income gap has disappeared by the time she enters the work force.
I’m SO glad I stumbled upon this post today. So glad.
Like most women, I’m generous with my time, friendship and expertise. It’s only recently I’ve realized that I need to put a price on my time (not only paid work, but personal obligations), that not everyone who is “friendly” is my friend and that I do have expertise that is monetizable and that people will take advantage of.
If I seriously met with every person who wanted to “pick my brain,” I’d been in those meetings all day, every day. It’s smart to realize that we have finite time and resources, and we should use them for paying clients or the people nearest and dearest to our hearts.
Brava!
Hi Nicole just wanted to say this is an awesome post and i couldn’t agree more.
I like to call those people vampires since they are doing whatever they can to leech onto you for free and drain you.
its flattering to know people respect me enough to want some of my ideas and input but insulting when they don’t understand the value of them.
Fantastic post. But now I’m in a quandry… I’ve been storing all of my PYB conversations (I do them CONSTANTLY for people), as I’m about to tackle a new industry and plan on using some of that karma to pick others’ brains. Now, after reading this article, was my karmic work for nothing?
Your post was forwarded by a friend who tells me, ‘you’re *too* generous’ and I’ve never understood what she meant. This post puts things in perspective.
I’ve earned a reputation as being generous because… well, I am. What’s saved me from insanity is that along the way I also learned about a powerful tool called boundaries (alluded to by many in the comment stream).
So, will I meet you for coffee? Ya, ya betcha! Those conversations always have the potential to lead to something for both of us, and the reality is that in a relationship-based business (executive coaching), one never knows where the next good connection will come from.
AND I will set boundaries – 30 mins, by phone, or a time and place convenient for me; a declared takeaway; and no commitment to anything beyond the meeting unless there is clear mutual gain. I’m more than happy to put myself out there to a certain extent, as I know it comes back in spades. But there is a grey zone between generous and feeling used.
Thanks, Nicole, for clarifying that zone.
Brilliant! You are so right. as a creative designer and teacher, I have given 27 years of advice to students (gladly), young entreprenures, and employees starting their own companies. I still find myself with the urge to relinquish any and all resouces when asked, but have trained myself over the years to be cautious ~ and NEVER go out for cocktails ~ only coffee!
Bravo to you!
A photographer friend told me she loves to use the following: “I would like to help you with X. I am available at X time. I charge X amount/per hour. How would you like to pay for that?” I cant wait to use this on my next BFF, friend, acquaintance request.
Excellent post. One of the most spot-on pieces I’ve read … evah! I, too, am a popcorn machine, and I, too, have been challenged by my desire to help/be of service/be wanted/be acknowledged (let me just call it what it is) and I’ve given, given, given to those who want have PYB intentions.
But I’m getting better at my boundaries and engaging people in a conversation about fees. Not perfect. But better. My understanding is that in the prior era, consulting and freelance work was mostly about deliverables. A little PYB here often led to paid work later. But now, in an era of significant cultural change when not being hip/with it/cognizant of the opportunities and pitfalls around, it’s critical to have someone to help you think. Someone who knows the lay of the land a bit. So the concept of deliverables for payment is still part of the economy, of course. But it’s the *thinking* that is most valuable.
My BFF and I call this being “thinking buddies,” and we are it to each other and we are working on getting paid to do this with others. It starts, I do believe — and as you articulated so well — by not giving it away for free.
Great post. I’ve also written about this, since I work with so many women in small businesses who identify with being a “good girl” . One thought is this: when people ask for free advice, it is really a marketing opportunity. Think of them actually saying, “Are you really an expert on this? Can you really help me? Please educate me on how to use your services.” Instead of saying all of that, they simply ask you a “quick” question.
So try this response. “That is a great question. It is something I consult with people on all the time. When I meet with them, I cover these related issues….. I bet you can see how these issues all inter-relate. Do you want me to send you my latest newsletter (report ,whatever)?”
Thanks for your blog!! It’s awesome!
Peter…this could not have come at a more appropriate time! I just finished a teleseries and now the emails are starting to come in…
“Can we meet for coffee?” or “I’d love to talk with you about what you’re doing…”
I immediately put my boundaries up…as a work at home homeschooling mom of 5, my time is my most precious possession and not something I spend freely.
Now I just need to re-read all the great comments here and come up with a response that not only fits me, but accomplishes what I want: getting compensated for the PYB sessions without totally alienating my audience.
Keep up the great work!
First of all this post is absolutely incredible and I would love to have you on my show to discuss it (you can email me at David@DSGagency.com).
A few things:
#1: This was by far my biggest problem over the past year. It drove my nuts. This happens to men AND women (in fact my fiancee is Psychiatrist..dive into that one).
#2: My good friend Scott Ginsberg had the same problem. So he decided to charge and told people. “Hey, you can’t pick my brain, but you can rent it!” (seriously…http://www.rentscottsbrain.com/). He has set packages and more.
#3: Final issue is this. I’m having problem charging for it as well because I’d rather work on my show/videos/etc. I wonder if I increase an amount drastically THEN I would be happy to spend the time. Interesting.
Anyway, nail on the head, bravo!
Folks, there IS a flipside. What about the little fish with big ideas? There are sharks in the water. Creating wealth for others as an unintentional direct result of conversation leaves you with a relationship devoid of trust. Ouch (for both parties).
Annalie Killian has a great point on “how to make ‘coffee’ work for you,” and Tyler has a great point about nice dinners at “Kobe” versus coffee.
In any case, simply strive for authentic human relationships instead of devaluing a relationship for valuable ideas (that don’t originate with you anyway)… this goes for you too, sharks.
Great post. I actually met with a client last week who not only wanted me to justify why my services cost what they do (I soooo low-balled them for a project), but he wanted me to coach him on how to sell his product. I told him, very matter-of-factly, “Here is what I provide. Here is what I cannot.” I have decided to get very comfortable with losing prospective clients, because if they don’t see my information as valuable enough to pay for, I don’t really want them as clients anyway.
Did you write this as a love note to me?
Brilliant. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
Great post, Nicole and I’m glad I got to read your thoughts after we tweeted back-and-forth. In discussing whether ideas are defensible or not, I was referring more to overall business concepts that I hear (i.e. I’m starting a… social site, some sort of app, blog/content company, etc). As such, I don’t believe these types of large business ideas are wholly defensible, as it comes down to execution based on a huge, broad range of factors.
However, reading this post and understanding the context, I definitely agree with your points. I think often in tech, and especially in LA, ideas are so freely shared that people feel they are entitled to help without feeling the need to establish any sort of relationship or give anything in return. While tech thrives on it’s openness, the feeling of entitlement to PYB or favors, drawing on a person’s wealth of knowledge and experience, is both unfair and a bad business practice in general. People shouldn’t expect to get anything from tech unless they are actively contributing, and even then, to your point, they shouldn’t feel that gives them the right to free help and ideas.
I think it’s important for people with experience to spend less time doling out free advice to people at events and to those who ask to PYB, but rather focus that energy on helping and mentoring those who are truly new to the industry, not looking to profit off the ideas, but who are passionate and want to learn. I’ve had some awesome people help me along the way and think this is a great way to share and give back what I have learned.
Thanks for the reminder that 20 years of skill-building and experience has value. I’m a writer and am constantly being asked for creative input, free editing and marketing advice. It’s great to give back, but there’s a limit. My father recently lectured me about giving away the store, so thanks for putting that advice into perspective.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This kernel of wisdom is thoroughly appreciated and a great reminder of how valuable our ideas truly are. You’ve inspired me to end a lifelong bad habit of accepting peanuts for “popcorn.”
Great article. I’m a single female advertising creative and I ended up taking all references to what I do for a living off of my online dating profile after going out with like five guys in a row who wanted to “pick my brain.” Or who wanted to pitch me an ad campaign idea and get my feedback. On our date. Ugh… aside from the devaluation of my skills, nothing is more of a turnoff!
Whether you’re selling ideas, knowledge, contacts, execution, etc… the question to first ask is “Do I want the business?” If you don’t want the business, then simply tell someone what you’re doing instead… “I’m sorry, I’m busy writing my book and I’m no longer focused on X”
If you ARE interested in the business, then it’s important not to make someone feel like crap for simply asking questions. By saying “actually that’s what I get paid for” is NOT a business development conversation. It’s a “you just stepped on my toes, bucko” conversation.
If you’re truly interested in the business, the transition should be seamless… “Actually I have a package I offer for that. It’s a 2-hour lunch in which I give you my best thinking, knowledge, resources, etc.” And then you charge whatever your time is worth.
Or what I’ve often said “You know I charge X for a strategy session” and if you want to do a larger project I’ll credit it back to you.”
Here’s the point: Whether you’re giving someone nothing at all or selling them your services, leave them better than you found them. Even if you’re sharing nothing at all, you can kind so they don’t feel like they’ve crossed a line they didn’t know existed.
This is happening to such a large degree that it makes me wonder about the viability of having a communications agency. There always has been theft of a certain degree of intellectual property…and that is what you are talking about: not just ideas but your brand and how you as a company solve problems. If push came to shove you could quantify your methods and write a book on your formula.
And that’s what the brain pickers fail to get, repeatedly, is that there is a forumla to this, that even if they steal your ideas, they don’t get the formula so their win is momentary at best. What happens when they need the next thing that puts them in a position of power? Think they’ll come back to you?
Well only if you let them. We are living in a peculiar time when information is given freely online and abundantly, newspaper content online is free and struggling. I don’t think this bs. model will survive and we are seeing the strains of it as we speak.
So good luck to all of us. Marcomm is going to have to morph into something else, and that may mean something different for each individual organization or person.
The extent to which this is happening troubles me and by the number and quality of comments this suggests it is more than an individual’s ability to set boundaries or ask for payment. This is too widespread and commonplace. Something else is up.
I read a lot of marketing and business blogs. I post replies or comments to very few. Let’s just say yours fired me up.
I found your post well written, thoughtful and as a woman, it rang true on many counts – however I respectfully disagree.
I’ve spent the majority of my career working at top 10 PR agencies, where I had little time in between meeting billability targets to ‘pay it forward’ outside the inner workings of my firm. It never felt quite right – as I’m a collaborator at heart. About three years ago, I formed my own brand communications and marketing consultancy with two partners. Our business model thrives on the principles of collaboration, collective thinking…and a giver’s gain mentality. We’ve worked extremely hard to cultivate a network of partners, peers, experts and resources that subscribe to this mentality, and as a result our amazing network now seems to expand organically.
I couldn’t agree more that “time is valuable and creative thoughts even more so.” And yes, totally on board with your belief that “creative ideas and connections are the real currency in this digital economy.” But I value collaboration, sharing and exchanging ideas equally, and whole-heartedly believe that this has fueled the success of my business, my professional relationships and importantly, the love for what I do for a living.
I choose to devote about 15% of my work week to meetings and calls where I happily make my brain available for picking. I feel safe and good about “popping” away – because in my experience, whenever I’ve needed help with a creative challenge or advice, I’ve a long list of people that are happy to take my call or a meeting. I view this 15% as an investment in my bottom line and it has paid off in dividends with a steady flow of referrals for new clients and projects. It’s been a long-term strategy. So while many of my peers are off pounding the digital pavement for leads, I’ve found that this strategy has reduced the time I spend on new business development. Oh, and by the way I’m having a hell of a lot of fun making popcorn because it allows me the chance to meet new, cool, creative, inspiring people every week who have been equally as generous with their time when I’ve called on them.
Work-life balance – I strive for it, it’s tough. Isn’t it always going to be tough, though? I aim for work-life blending, and that distinction makes it feel more achievable.
One other thing – I’ve rarely encountered a scenario similar to what you describe, across the table from someone who has no other intention beyond picking my brain and contributing nothing in return. When I am in that situation, I’m keenly aware of it, and I choose to simply be selective and guarded about the information I share. I also generally opt for a phone call versus spending time on an in-person meeting and I keep it short. When I choose to spend time on a brain picker who is in it for his or her agenda alone, I’m okay with the fact that I may leave the person across the table or on the other end of the phone perhaps not as impressed as they expected to be because I put a cap on the level of thinking I offered.
Why make the time for those people in the first place you might ask? I personally have found that there is one degree of separation in my industry, and chances are high that our paths will cross again. So I’m willing to take the chance that there might be a little “pay it forward” in that person…and it might just be because I helped to inspire it. You may think that this is the exception versus the norm – and while that might be true, I’ve worked hard at creating a giver’s gain community; it didn’t happen by accident.
So to my #solopr and #pr and #marketing peers who retweeted your post with words of praise and accord, I offer some popcorn for thought…and an open invitation to pick my brain over a cup of coffee — on me.
Respectively yours,
Jennifer Goldin (@goldinpr)
The Collective PR, LLC
http://www.thecollective-pr.com
I provide intuitive counseling to people. It’s what I do. It’s my job. I have this problem of people picking my brain too, and yet, because I’m in a spiritual service business, I am expected to be nice about letting them do it.
So, I say, “I don’t want our friendship to be about our problems, and this issue is too important for an off the cuff answer at lunch. I have some session times available in about 2 weeks.”
That seems to separate those who really need my help and will pay for it from those who are lacking boundaries.
I would never ask a dentist to look at my tooth at a party. They shouldn’t ask me to provide intuitive services to them.
When you give help to people who have no intention of reciprocating, it takes your energy away from the people who really need you.
Absolutely true, and particularly so for creative types… this is the information age and those who have and know how to apply information have the power.
This also applies to charging for your time in general and valuing your time. Everyone is a potential consultant, so make sure you know what you want your time to be worth and don’t be afraid to charge for it.
AS noted - anyone who balks is someone you probably don’t want to get involved with.
Personally, I have a “coupon” for a free 20 minute consultation on the back of my business card. This is enough time to establish that:
A) I do know what I am talking about
B) I can offer great advice and service
C) Its worth paying for my time
If I can’t convince them to pay for my time in 20 minutes, then its not a good fit… and usually by the end of the conversation, I am creating an “Action plan” to get to the next step and get things rolling.
Value yourself and your knowledge, and keep developing yourself. People rarely value things that are free, and you can waste alot of energy giving it away. Charge a reasonable fee for your knowledge, and not only will you be doing better work, but your clients will be more likely to take full advantage of it…
so in the end, you are doing them a greater service by charging for your time!
regards,
Ron Northcutt
Web architect
Custom Websites
I confess that I am very guilty of this. A couple of comments:
As an experienced [read "senior"] person in my field, I feel a sense of privilege to be able to mentor my students [all of whom are practitioners or funders] and others who are at earlier career stages. Most of those folks are genuine and I have file folders of touching thank you notes - many written years later. I have no mixed feeling whatever about giving my time to them without compensation.
This is different than people who really are competitors [whether they see it that way or not]. Many people have read so many articles about “networking” that the ethos is that this is simply what one does without respect for the others’ time or income needs. I have very belatedly begun to learn how to distinguish between those who are taking advantage [with whom i am more curt] and those for whom such a connection is genuine.
A variation of pyb is pyp - the second p for pocket - or if not mine, at least some wealthy person I may know. My field is philanthropy - exclusively on the side of those who give money; I don’t do any fundraising at all. Yet it is guaranteed that within minutes after meeting someone at any social event, i will be solicited for help raise money for an organization or pet project of theirs. It is predictable even though the seeker always seems to think that they are the first person to ever suggest something like that.
A related issue not yet mentioned: public speaking. This is a major source of my income, yet increasingly I am being asked to speak gratis, on the argument that I would be able to generate business from those who hear me. In other words, give them a free speech so someone else MIGHT pay for it later. I no longer will do any free presentations unless it is for an organization on whose board I sit. It is amazing how surprised so many of these callers are when I reject their “kind” offer to be on their program. I wish I could learn to be as rigorous with other claims on my time as I am in this area.
I have a marketing and communications consultancy in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I told my husband this was my year to “give myself permission to say no” to just the sort of requests you describe. A few days later he sent me your post. It is exactly the advice I needed at exactly the right time. Thanks (and thanks, John, for listening so well:) )
Excellent post! After building a large following on Twitter and my Facebook fan page, I am constantly getting asked for advice. For a young entrepreneur, just starting out, this is flattering! I’m doling advice out left and right. More than once, I’ve had someone say, “You should do this for a living.” I ignored it the first time… thought more about it the second time… really started thinking hard about it the third time… and now I read this post. It makes me think my insight on Social Media and personal branding might actually be worth something.
Everyone,
Thank you so much for your contributions to the discussion. It’s clearly hit a nerve. There are a lot of great tips and wisdom interspersed throughout the comments. Keep an eye out for my follow-up post with my takeaways.
Cheers,
Nicole
Well written, but not a “nice” article. In my opinion you are too hung up on the material. It is a symptom of a sick society when people start putting a price tag on their intellectual society.
Opinions are like ***holes, everyone has one. Get over yourself, you aren’t that smart.
I think it depends on who requests your help. Having spent much time out of work, I know how much it means to have someone offer a helping hand–and will talk to just about anyone who is looking for a job.
Likewise–I try to find time to help students or recent grads who need a little career guidance or some connections to people who can help them find work or provide insight. I’ll also spend time with people who have interesting project ideas from whom I’ll likely learn something–especially if I like them, or if I think they’ll be helpful to me in the future.
I’m about to have a phone conversation with someone who told me up front he doesn’t think he can afford me and doesn’t want to waste my time–because I’m interested in his startup and might be able to refer him to someone who needs the work now–in hopes that that person or the entrepreneur will refer me to new clients in the future.
Having recently been pumped for information about social media and its uses, I’m planning to write some blogs on social media for beginners–to which I’ll be able to both refer such inquiries and publicize my skills–and will blog on other topics to both answer questions and publicize my business. (http://harriscomblog.com)
I’m hoping that commenting here–which does take time and provide ideas for no renumeration will help to do the same!
Found a link to this on Shankman’s site. Loved both articles, thanks!
Thanks for sharing Nicole. The dilemma is always “how much to share for FREE” and there is no “good” answer for it.
The framework that I use is to scale on “bits” and tone down on “atoms.” Here is the link on a short piece that I wrote:
http://www.lifebeyondcode.com/2010/01/12/the-free-dilemma-bits-vs-atoms/
Thanks again and have a great day.
Best,
Rajesh
In Aus there is a bumper sticker:
Yes, it is my pick-up. No I won’t help you move house.
What a great post! Ditto with everyone’s comment. I don’t know how many ‘coffee’ sessions I had over the last year once I started my consulting firm. I was beginning to under value my services after countless repeated coffee requests but fewe paying clients. I event had a client said ‘don’t give everything away for free!’. No more being a popcorn.
Nicole,
As someone who is a business owner and earn a living based on advice, my time is extremely precious to me. You bring up a great topic and I’ve enjoyed reading it along with all the thoughtful comments. I’ve learned quite a few things including Giff’s post about Rajeev. That was inspirational.
This Youtube video about getting paid for your time features one of my favorite authors, Harlan Ellison. I beg his forgiveness for not requesting permission to use it as I am new to blogging and still figuring out my way. It is a bit earthy but hit the point pretty well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj5IV23g-fE
721q
I love Janet Civitelli and Eric Hammond’s advice of how they handle the situation.
Great post - this is something I grapple with all the time, as I regularly get emails from people who are looking to break into philanthropy or consulting, and want to “take me to coffee.” It’s hard, because I also believe in the power of networking.
Hi Nicole,
>Ugh. I need to figure out a new commenting format. I want to reply directly to people and not one-offs at the bottom. Any word press experts?
Try , it allows threaded comments and social networking plug-in, plus it’s free.
The tip is free, too. If you need help installing, let me know but it should be pretty straightforward.
Back on PMB syndrome - Don’t want to isolate this as just a female trait of being a benevolent popcorn machine - I do believe that it’s cool to be picked by someone who one day will let you pick back. Like the way I come with quirky product conceptualisation ability but my coder friends can hack and my designers friends can build. But yes - for serious work that actually requires my full-on attention - nothing works better than a straight-forward, ‘here’s my rate and shall we put down a statement of work together? What would you like to get out of this?’
Sorry missed the I wish there’s a preview button on your blog, too ;p
OMGosh so glad you had the nerve to write this as I’ve been wanting to write one like it myself for about six months now!
For me it’s been amplified by Twitter and so many people reaching out to me for help with specific things. Or others referring people to me and sometimes I don’t have the nerve to say they have to pay me to do what they are asking (when it’s a specific task).
Other times it has been Virtual Assistants who are just starting out that want copies of paperwork for their clients, how-to notes, what to charge, etc.
At one point I had five “newer” VA’s asking me for advice and can I do “such-and-such” with them that I finally got to the point where I had to email all of them and tell them that I’m willing to train them if they will work for me at a reduced rate (that also means I hand them work so they don’t have to market as much) — I told them I didn’t mean to offend and if I did I am sorry but even consults take 30-45 minutes each. In that particular scenario it worked out OK and I was so frustrated at the point that I sent out the email that had I ruffled a few feathers…well, then so it was meant to be.
Is it truly women that have the hardest time with this?
Nicole, I applaud you for your incredible candor, honesty and courage to call those PYBers out on the carpet. This has been top top tooooop of mind for me lately and your post helped validate my feelings of frustration, guilt and annoyance. I have become an incessant popcorn machine. The problem (and it IS a problem) is that I enjoy helping others. However, like you, I’ve now started to limited my “donations” to friends and special cases. Outside of that, I’m starting to get more disciplined. I’ve been “sitting” on the task of adding a simple “by the hour” consulting item to my website. It would be so much easier to direct people to a url that allows them to pre-pay for consulting time or choose a retainer package. This post may have just inspired me to get off my rear and do so. After all, I never want the answer to be “no”… but instead, “I’d love to discuss your project. I now have a ‘pre-paid’ hours program if you’re interested.” From there I can surely gage their reaction. There… I practiced my line. How’d I do!?
Anyone else have luck with prepaid hours? Has that worked for you?
Tyler, your Kobe comments had me howling. That’s actually a great approach that lessens any tension. I have GOT to remember that one…
@Nicole… the best commenting system (that does exactly what you’re talking about — direct replies, etc. is Disqus — http://www.disqus.com)
How’s that for some free advice :). Hey… I consider it an absolute trade. This post did me wonders!
Great post Nicole! I am so guilty of this. @ Bridget, Wow I couldn’t have said it better myself. Off to Border’s to pick up a copy of Debra’s book.
Hi Deana,
Here’s a free tip. I looked at Disqus originally for comments on my site and chose not to use it. It does have nice features but each blogger has to analyze what makes sense for the end goal of their site. Disqus collects the emails and info for Disqus so bloggers who are building their own list need to take this into account.
Even something so simple as comments options needs to be analyzed if you plan the blog to be part of your business model. Once my site goes out of beta, the readers of the site will include my own clientele and thousands of their employees so I have to consider privacy, spam control, choices, private sections and forums etc… which eliminates Disqus for me.
I’m always happy to help my close friends too Nicole, and as the founder of something I call a Pay It Forward Party, I often offer help to others first at the events just for the feel good karma factor alone. I consider it my once-a-month community service work.
However, when it comes to asking me to spend time and brain cells on something other people are actually paying me for, I have to draw the line. I think the therapy world refers to it as “creating boundaries.”
After a few particularly trying months, I wrote this post on my blog and quoted both you and Kevin Brogan in it - http://belladomain.wordpress.com/2010/04/06/are-you-on-the-national-no-brain-picking-list/
Glad more of us are talking about ideas and connections as currency (a.k.a. social capital) and brilliant job on summing this up so well! Cheers, Sandy Jones-Kaminski
As a self-published author and jewelry artisan I well know what you are talking about. Everything I know about both book publishing and jewelry design and creation came from my own efforts, but there are too many people who have wanted to “pick my brain” because they are too lazy to learn about it the hard way: through self-education, trial and error. For example, I taught myself everything about publishing and marketing in this new digital age after a lifetime of hard work for others, and even wrote a book about it. I pay attention to articles written by others and do not pester them with questions because I know their time is valuable and my time is consumed with creating my work and my family. But if people want the benefit of my hard work they can pay me for it. I have tried to become a more integral part of the business community but that usually costs more money than I can afford, so I think it only fair that I reciprocate the favor. Generally my response to people asking me for advice is “buy my book, and you’ll find all your answers there.” The choice is left up to them.
I think all women should read this post, because I think it is hardest for us to set limits on this kind of thing. Like you say–there’s the close personal friend thing, which falls under just general friendship or pay it forwardship–but then there are people like “friends” you haven’t talked to in years who suddenly email you after realizing you “know” social media and would love to catch up–oh, and pick your brain about social media in [fill in their field]. Even they know they’re crossing a line because they usually offer lunch or a drink or something–because they know that if the situation were reversed and you were asking them to list your house as a favor or “give you some ideas” about your divorce settlement if they’re an attorney in exchange for a drink they’d respectfully decline.
Another facet of this that I’m starting to deal with is at work. My full time job is social media/community management. I make about half what PR managers at my company make–yet I’m constantly being asked to do the social media parts of their jobs for them….which are, of course, becoming basically their whole jobs. Not support them with strategies they develop–but do the strategizing, the implementing, the reporting–the whole thing. They still get paid their same salaries but more and more they’re sitting back and I’m doing big parts of their jobs. I’m not sure how to deal with this.
Again, I’m all for paying it forward, helping others just starting out or organizations without resources for social media….but at what point do I just become a chump when I’m doing big parts of other people’s jobs for them while they out-earn me by a massive amount?
Uh Oh.. I feel a little like doody, right about now. I promise to keep it in check…..
Sorry, I changed my mind. After reading all of the posts. I’m feeling like I just may throw up. The self importance of it all is disgusting. Jessica… I value your opinion and that’s why I asked for it. I hope it was a compliment.. if it was an imposition.. I apologize.
I enjoyed reading this post. I do however think there are plenty of men who also deal with this scenario, maybe just not quite as many.
I think once someone gets to the point where their thoughts, ideas, and suggestions are in demand, that’s the time to start getting compensated for your time. There’s nothing wrong with running a business, charging for our valuable time has been around since the start of prostitution.
I found that when I started my consulting practice, some questioned why I thought I was entitled to be compensated for help people or companies. Comes with the territory.
All comments have given me something to think and use when dealing with this problem, so thanks a lot for the time and thoughts you have put into them and for sharing them with everyone. (All comments, but those insulting others on the forum or ignoring the problem discussed here or plainly live to help others because they don’t have any goals for themselves.)
I agree that this is not just a problem for women, as I’m here because of my hubby, who is happy to help anyone with anything, not even thinking about the time and resources he’s wasting on those free help/advice sessions which he could spend resting from work or spend with his family. he is even one of those popcorn machines, which I haven’t come across before, who offer their free advice before people have a chance to ask for it. I read all your comments trying to figure out a way to protect my family’s time together and our resources, as my husband has been spending a lot of time (after work and on weekends, time we could have spent together) and money (sacrifices, both financial and other) into learning what he intends to do for a living (trading stocks) and don’t want him to spend the little time he has after work, worrying about his friends and friends of friends and colleagues and former colleagues who have already started crawling out from under the rocks they have been hiding under before he’s even started making money himself.
No, I’m not a selfish bitch or mean, but I do believe that everyone should work for their own advancement and wealth and not ask nor get it for free and without doing all the hard work and making the sacrifices that people who have studied and gained experience which is usually a result of taking risks and investing time and money, have made to get where they are.
frustrated wife of a too generous man who doesn’t mind working for others
I feel like such a fool.
But I’m a fool about to get that book you referenced, so tomorrow I’ll be less of a fool.
The point is, you make a VERY good point.
Exactly. I have far more people wanting my time, even friends of friends, than I can offer. I believe in the generosity model of doing business, but I choose what I give and to whom, not the other way around. This is one of the best blog posts I’ve read in a while. I put it up on my Awesome Women Hub on facebook. Great work!
Great article. This is the bane of my life! I am absolutely way too soft hearted. As the head of a women’s association I am ALWAYS called upon to help women with something pertaining to my talents which spread across many fronts. A lot of my time gets gobbled up in listening then providing creative solutions to their issues, be it business related or otherwise. I have really struggled with undervaluing myself but this is the fifth major butt kick I’ve had in the last fortnight on this issue so I’m going to take that as a sign that I have to change the way I do life. :)))
Thanks for posting…love the wisdom in this. I am probably also the worst at picking others brains because I have a thirst for understanding but limited in resources becuase I give too much away for free. I think it can be a bit of a cycle…pick here…get picked there…LOL
I’m one of those popcorn ideas gone mad. Some call it ADD, others call it genius. I love being good at what I love, and I love a lot of things. I also love teaching people who are keen. I stumbled across a book called “pay me what I’m worth” I’m going to be doing the study course in September. give it a google. If you want over $50 off the bill you can register through my website and get a discount. Cheers and hope to meet some of you on the September confrence calls.
Big Smiles,
Andrea MacLeod.
Founder of womensville the website.
Well said Nicole! I’ve struggled with this for years, guess I’ve always been a “helper”. I still “help” in lots of ways but started my own thing not too long ago. It is a challenge to figure out how to value/price my work. I am learning how to say “no” ( or not for free) when I should.
Thanks for this great piece!
Yes!! I totally agree. I don’t mind helping but it becomes a regular thing after a while, almost like a dependency. Some of the things I am asked are really not in my area of expertise so why ask me unless it is because I am free?? It’s time to find the balance, isn’t it?
Frankly I find that what this writer reveals about herself pretty disturbing. The sharing of ideas is what defines our world today, with globalization and the web, information is traveling faster and easier than humanity has ever seen. It’s almost too apparent that the writer believes in a “dog-eat-dog” world; a simple conversation and sharing of ideas shouldn’t make one feel like they are “left with an empty glass.” This kind of one-way pessimistic thinking can make us forget that we can learn something from anyone and everyone. The amazing thing about ideas, is that they can be shared so easily and no one can take your ideas from you. So next time you are having a conversation just enjoy it and try not to label it as a “brain picking”, give-take session. Love
Dear nobody,
How sad you couldn’t leave your name yet you can leave negative comments. Perhaps you missed the many points that I make in the article, comments section and wrap-up where I say giving advice is a good thing and something that I do often, but there needs to be a balance. What we’re talking about here isn’t “simple conversation” nor is that what was said at any time. Simple conversation and the exchange of ideas is wholly natural. THAT is not what this article is about. Perhaps you should spend some time reading the comments and see that I am not alone in this thinking. And one thing I’ve noticed is that people who do the brain picking are the squeakiest wheel. The ones who are having their brain picked are the ones who are also tired of feeling used. As I said many times, it’s about a balance and it’s up to the individual person to decide what they will give away or ask for in exchange.
Leave a Comment